
Review
Rage Against the Machine: Pragmata is a hit
by Rainer Etzweiler

Navi, Ashley, Roman: names that trigger horrified flashbacks and memories of repetitive phrases and failed missions among gamers everywhere. Let’s explore the worst companions ever.
Pragmata is coming out this week. Capcom’s new IP is a hit thanks to its ingenious puzzle-shooter mechanics and the dynamic between protagonist Hugh and his sidekick Diana.
The android girl is helpful, reserved and adds depth to the story – the polar opposite of all the people, animals and mythical creatures on this list. Few other gameplay elements drive players up the wall as quickly as incompetent or annoying sidekicks, plunging both you and themselves into pixelated disaster.
Here’s a choice selection of the most annoying, starting with a candidate that floats head and shoulders above all others. Literally.
«Hey, listen!»… «Hey, listen!»… «Hey, listen!». No, buzz off! I know exactly what’s happening – I’ve played Ocarina of Time 12,000 times. I don’t need an overzealous firefly commenting on my every move. Rumour has it a remake’s coming out this year, and I’m praying to the Triforce Goddesses that the fairy won’t be as annoying this time around.
Honourable Mention: Fi from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Just what I’ve always wanted, a walkthrough giving away the answers to all the puzzles. Said no one ever.

Let’s stick with Nintendo for a moment: Tingle looks like he lures children into his gingerbread house and picks the legs off ants as a hobby. In Majora’s Mask, he rips you off with his exorbitant prices for maps, while in Wind Waker, he enslaves his brother on his island. By the way, it’s called Tingle Island, and ever since Trump Tower, I think we all know that only narcissistic sociopaths name things after themselves.

Roman has two settings: bowling and begging. Both of these things are guaranteed to happen while you’re in the middle of a firefight or running a mission. Still, this walking push notification has spawned some funny memes.

Who’s the biggest foe you’ll face in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim? The first dragon, Alduin? The Ebony Warrior? Ice Trolls? Wrong, wrong and wrong again! It’s Lydia, a Nord warrior. Lydia’s one of the first companions you’ll encounter. Her stated goal: to make your life as hard as possible. She gets stuck in doorways, falls down chasms and complains when you give her something to carry. Well, dragon bones are heavy Karen Lydia, deal with it.
Need another reason? Here you go: Lydia hates dogs.

Yes, it’s a baby. And yes, babies cry. That’s still no reason to turn it into a game mechanic. No one’s ever been on a plane and thought, «I’ll move closer to that crying kid.» Most gamers will probably welcome a screeching sidekick with similar hostility. Still, if that’s your thing, here’s a 10-hour loop of the sound effect. God only knows why you’d want that.
Honourable baby mention: BB from Death Stranding.

Ah, Natalya. Your companion in the best console shooter before Halo: Combat Evolved. She earns her spot on this list across several categories. Her favourite pastimes include walking slowly, running in front of your gun and setting off alarms. All the while, she keeps repeating the same sentence over and over: «We should go to the main control room.» Girl, I know. We would’ve got there ages ago if you didn’t have the survival instincts of a lemming.
Natalya’s stubbornness is so notorious that there’s even a live-action sketch about it.

Preston spams you with endless filler missions, always dropping his catchphrase: «Another settlement needs your help.» It’s annoying at first, then funny for a bit, then REALLY annoying. Dude, you’ve got a gun and a whole faction backing you up. How about you take the initiative and actually do something to make the Commonwealth a little safer? You’re a big boy.
I have to find my son, avenge my wife and reboot a giant robot. I can’t hold your hand all the time.

Talking about a lack of survival instincts: why exactly am I risking my life for NPCs in Dead Rising? None of them ever make a good decision. As soon as I move more than two metres away from them, they forget I exist and run into the arms of the nearest zombie, like a soldier’s wife running to her long-lost husband.

There was a time in the early nineties when Sega had just one, clearly defined asset: a blue hedgehog that’s gotta go fast. Then someone had the idea of pairing him with a two-tailed fox. But that wasn’t all: next came a grumpy echidna, a pink stalker with a giant hammer, a crocodile detective, an edge-lord hedgehog, a bat with massive breasts, and finally, a sexually insecure brachiosaurus.
Okay, that last part was a lie, but considering the ridiculous characters Sonic hangs out with, it’s not entirely unrealistic. Sometimes less is more, even if the furry community would probably disagree with me on that.

Slippy is the Bermuda Triangle of the Star Fox squad: wherever he shows up, all competence vanishes. He throws himself into every attack, constantly needs rescuing and manages to steal all your attention while the actual level plays out in the background. «Slippy’s in trouble!» – Slippy’s always in trouble; that’s his entire contribution to the franchise.

JUST HEAL ME ALREADY, YOU INCOMPETENT, WEB-FOOTED AMATEUR!

Days Gone is a cool game that Sony’s been neglecting for no reason. Mind you, Deacon St John does his best to ruin this coolness. This live-action Sons of Anarchy fan fiction character is so devoid of personality that at some point, I decided the motorcycle was the main character. As a result, Deacon now qualifies for this list. What a bore. Next.

Somewhere in Gearbox’s office, a designer decided that «annoying comic relief» is a character arc. For three games. Claptrap is the result: a rolling podcast that no one subscribed to, yet everyone has to endure. The attack on him at the beginning of Borderlands is the emotional climax of the entire franchise. Just a shame he survived.
In the (terrible) Borderlands movie, Claptrap is voiced by Jack Black. But even his boundless charisma couldn’t make the tin can any more bearable.

You don’t have to be a rainbow-haired woke warrior to recognise that the Persona franchise features some pretty problematic characters. Teddie tops the list. Before his transformation into a human, he stumbles around looking like a deformed Kinder Surprise egg; after, he looks like an overpriced rent boy. Either way, he’s exhausting. His only personality trait: his unquenchable sexual urges, which he likes to act on with 15- and 16-year-old girls. It’s nonstop, across a total of 70 hours of gameplay. Oof.

«We have Kanye West at home.»

Good intentions or not – anyone who steals all the Materia from their own team while that team is in the middle of saving the world from destruction clearly doesn’t have their priorities straight. Suddenly, there you are: magically stripped bare, unable to save the world and forced to complete a side quest before you’re even allowed to approach Sephiroth again. What the hell, Yuffie? I thought we were friends?

Leon S. Kennedy survived Raccoon City, defeated several mutant bosses and thwarted a bioterrorism attack. But none of that prepared him even remotely for the babysitting job he’s about to take on in Southern Europe. Ashley screams, stumbles and gets caught every 30 seconds. At least the remake makes the young woman a little more skilled. But only a little.

The long-awaited sequel to Nintendo’s sci-fi adventure has a number of issues. One of them is Myles McKenzie. The overzealous technician bombards Samus with unsolicited tips as well as comments that ruin the atmosphere and completely go against the tone of this otherwise serious franchise. Fellow editor Domi summed it up perfectly in his review: «Shut up, Myles McKenzie!».

I haven’t played Animal Crossing. I don’t know who Barold is. I don’t know what Barold does. But my wife said she’d divorce me if I didn’t include him in this listicle. I can’t repeat the insults that followed here, but it appears this furry fellow is the mind behind unspeakable atrocities. It’s always the ones you least expect.

In the early 90s, my older brother gave me his NES with The Legend of Zelda on it. It was the start of an obsession that continues to this day.
This is a subjective opinion of the editorial team. It doesn't necessarily reflect the position of the company.
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