Exclusive! 10 iPhone 7 facts you'll want to know!
Just before the Apple Keynote on 7 September, all the media are publishing new rumours about the long-awaited iPhone 7. Of course, we're no exception to the rule. The advantage of being an Apple partner is that we have exclusive information that we're going to share with you right now!
Is the headphone jack really going to disappear? This rumour is false. On the contrary: the iPhone 7 will even have two headphone jacks ("Dual iPlug"). Apple's market research department has predicted that 'Social Hearing' is one of the next trends. Warning: the co-listener must also have licensed the tracks!
In return, all the other buttons have been removed. Apart from the two headphone jacks, the new iPhone 7 will have no buttons and will be controlled entirely with Siri. To facilitate this adoption, Siri has different "Skins". Internal tests have revealed that pirate mode ("Ahoi Siri!" to unlock, "Aye aye" to answer a call or "Arrrrrr" to decline it, etc.) and beatbox mode ("Badummm Tssss!", "Mzmzmz") were a big hit.
For music lovers, an innovative feature has been added: Apple has taken the criticism of the mono speaker to heart. Now, two iPhone 7s can be connected. The sound is so good that you can even, without a guilty conscience, get rid of expensive stereo devices. On the second iPhone, Apple is giving a generous 5 per cent discount - for signing up for lifetime Apple Music subscriptions for yourself and your family.
Good news on the battery life front: the case is now made of an (insulated) uranium alloy that is not only very strong, but also has a battery life of around seven years - with typical use, we should be well equipped until the iPhone 14 is released. Thanks to the reactor built into the case, the iPhone 7 is a sensational 2 millimetres high. It's even so thin that we even cut ourselves on the ear during an exclusive test.
For usability, an iOS 10 version has again been created at the last minute: according to Apple statistics, 99% of users only use a few apps regularly. That's why there are only nine places left on the home screen (seven of which are occupied by the calculator, phone, SMS, camera, iTunes, App Store and the much-loved stock market app).
When it comes to the VR theme, Apple doesn't cut any corners and even outdoes itself: the iPhone 7 has built-in VR! The screen is polished so that - by bringing the device close enough to the eye - you can plunge into the third dimension without the need for any other hardware.
For analysis and health enthusiasts, the handy "iFever" app has been integrated. This is an integrated thermometer. If you feel like you're ill, you can wedge the iPhone 7 under your arm and find out your temperature in seconds. In the test, "iFever" put us in a funny situation: after a long game of Pokémon Go, the thermometer showed 43°. In the end, the emergency department at the university hospital was able to resolve this curious misunderstanding. We had a lot of laughs!
Thanks to cooperation with Adidas, the antenna bands were redesigned. So there's no longer any need to discuss whether they look good or not.
The best for the end!
Best for last: the iPhone 7 will have a built-in selfiestick. Apple is up to date and has therefore directly integrated this essential utensil into the device. The selfiestick can - like the old VHF radio aerials - be pulled out of the mobile and extended up to 50cm. After taking the selfies, it disappears back into the smartphone.
Note
This article is satire. As a sales platform, we certainly sometimes have exclusive information, but naturally do not have the right to publish it exclusively.
I'm the master tamer at the flea circus that is the editorial team, a nine-to-five writer and 24/7 dad. Technology, computers and hi-fi make me tick. On top of that, I’m a rain-or-shine cyclist and generally in a good mood.