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Review: the Nothing Phone (3) is hot on the heels of top-of-the-range smartphones
by Jan Johannsen
The ROG Phone 3: of microtransactions and true gaming
30.10.2020
What good is a gaming phone if the industry surrounding it wants nothing but your money? Not much. So join me as I explore the horrifying depths of the mobile gaming landscape.
Nevertheless: it's not worth buying. But this has nothing to do with the actual hardware. It's wonderful. No, the problem lies squarely with the Android Play Store: is doesn't even contain one single decent game. Which brings up the question: what's the point of a gaming phone if there's nothing to play?
Therefore: review's over. Let's talk about the absolute dumpster fire that is mobile gaming.
All I really want to do is beat people up
Let’s take a look back. Here's my story. I'm a Mortal Kombat fan, among other things. I look back fondly on the year 1992. I'd be sitting in front of my home tube TV, and suddenly this commercial flickered across the screen.
Whoever let out that cacophonous «Mortal Kombat» at 0:15 deserves a medal. I can hardly remember the game itself, or whether it was MKI or MKII that I played first. But I sure do remember the movie. And there it was again: «Mortal Kombat!»
Spoiler: in the end I still prefer riding my bike to work.
But the truth hurts. You start off with these three clowns.
- Shirai Ryu: a grey ninja I never heard of.
- Osh-Tekk: what even is that?
- Monk: creative bankruptcy in the shape of a video game character.
I'm playing a game in which four-armed monsters can battle against thunder gods or ninjas who shoot ice. And I get «Monk»? Go to hell, Warner Bros. Interactive.
A second disappointment quickly follows the first. I try to play the game. To make Scorpion perform «Get over here», conventional franchise entries have you pressing Back, then Forward and – if I remember correctly – Punch. The exact combo isn't really important, I just want to be able to make Scorpion stand up, say his line and shoot his chains.
In Mortal Kombat on Android, «Monk» is too busy trying not too die from even the slightest injury. Granted, challenging fights can be fun if they require player skill. But all you really do is just tap somewhere on the screen using your right thumb. At some point the game demands you swipe down or up. Wow, exhilarating.
Even after playing with «Monk» and his insipid colleagues for two hours, I spent little time beating people up. First and foremost, the game is primarily about buying things that are supposed to make «Monk» stronger. Spend 10 gold and some 15 souls and receive a new left sock for «Monk» so that his kick is 2% stronger.
This is the main focus of the game. You either have to fight absurdly long to afford all the power ups, or spend your hard-earned cash to win faster and hopefully, eventually have Scorpion rip Raiden's head off. But instead of perfecting my skills and learning how to line up combo after combo to stun lock Raiden, you have to figure out if «Monk» is better suited to a right sock or the headband.
This isn't Mortal Kombat.
Okay, let's try something else.
A Rose By Any Other Name... a journey into mediocrity
Let's see how Injustice 2 does. At least I can actually control some of these superheroes. Seriously. Warner Bros. thankfully doesn't have the gall to throw in «Monk» here as well.
To my immense shame, however, it's just the same game with reskinned characters. You beat up fools as Batman for a moment, then spend the other 95% dealing with your heroes' socks to improve their kicks. Maybe Batman should ask «Monk» for advice.
But good news! Power Gems are on sale. 200 rare purple crystals, whose purpose still isn't completely clear to me, for only one franc. Who could resist that? And if I get the new power socks, I might soon be able to afford the right glove that improves your power punch. Maybe even the new breastplate that boosts your defence by 1.5%.
That's how it goes. I doodle around for a bit, then navigate through half a dozen screens that either feel like they're rewarding me or trying to sell me something. I can either acquire this stuff that I don't really need, or invest the money. One franc here, two francs there. And so that I don't realise how much money I'm actually spending, Warner Bros. introduced several currencies whose exchange rates are kept as vague as possible.
All I really want to do is beat people up.
I'm escaping to the one place that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism... space!
Disillusioned, I try another game from another franchise that I really like: Star Trek Fleet Command. Excuse me. I am of course referring to «Star Trek™ Fleet Command». After all, anyone could steal the IP if they left out the «™», no? I'm already annoyed by the title of the game. How petty can a licensor be?
For only 17 bars of gold-pressed latinum, 45 tritium and 100 other things I can buy better armour for my ship. Or invest the money. Only 4.50 francs can go a long way, maybe even help you win. Because the Constellation can go for maybe four battles against some space pirates before it explodes.
This is life with the ROG Phone 3. No game is worth its weight in gold. Even if they cost nothing to install. «Free to Play» is a phrase I come across a lot. That may be, but game developers won't tell you the second part of that sentence. «Free to play, pay to win».
That's how it's always been.
Looking back
Nevertheless, what we've got here is some extremely powerful hardware that fits in your hand well and can be cooled externally thanks to the included attachable fan. This works, then the ROG Phone 3 even comes with a monitoring app where you can see how well the system is performing under certain circumstances.
I choose to sacrifice a morning shift to compile a real video game as an Android app. Emulators have been a thing for a while, but I want to know if there's another way. Yup. Super Mario 64 runs reasonably well. There's some blurry frames, especially in my favourite level Whomp's Fortress, but it's less frustrating than having to buy 200 bars of latinum knee pads so that maybe someday I can beat up someone with Scorpion or some other cool character.
Mobile gaming, a sorry state of affairs. Enticing deals everywhere, a lame pay-to-win system. You don't need skill, you don't need thoughts. Just tap on the screen during your commute, invest some more money and start the whole charade all over again.
This isn't Asus' fault. I would like to see an industry that justifies the development of such a phone. I want to be able to buy a gaming phone in good conscience, with the knowledge that I'm really getting my money's worth. And most of all, I want to have fun, both with my phone and the games I play on it. This just isn't it. All you get here is a 1000 franc phone used for games that will only bankrupt you further.
Journalist. Author. Hacker. A storyteller searching for boundaries, secrets and taboos – putting the world to paper. Not because I can but because I can’t not.
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