The European Football Championship: 11 players, 11 types - 11 products
As the (sporting) year 2016 is fully focussed on the European Football Championships ahead of the Summer Olympics in Rio, I also have to speak out about this. To all lazy anti-athletes, gasping fitness haters and full-blooded opponents of exercise-intensive leisure activities: Give me a chance to captivate you literarily. So, please don't click away, but read on.
What do electronic items and footballers have in common? They both have an on/off button and can hardly be used without a remote control. Sorry, little joke - lightens the mood. In this blog, I would like to use the following lines to illustrate how the digital age will gradually and successfully replace the human race and turn it into completely useless puppets.
As a sportsman, football aficionado and passionate (floorball) coach, in this case I opt for the grass ball sport as a tactical explanation aid and the "Christmas tree", i.e. a classic 4-3-2-1, as the basis. To the esteemed ladies (as always, nothing works without you): This is a formation or rather a system of play in football and unfortunately not the countdown to the next Zalando sale.
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Goalkeeper: "The Wall"
Nobody can get past this monstrosity: almost two metres diagonally across, the Ronaldos and Messis of this world despair. I had to look at it three or four times to realise that it was actually an electronic device for displaying and playing video and audio content and not a goal wall. Incidentally, you can get it from Galaxus. [[productlist:5752127]]
Left centre-back: "The blood stitch"
Thanks to the tough centre-back and scary left-footer, the aforementioned goalkeeper becomes superfluous per se: The straddle knocks down even the most down-to-earth oak tree mercilessly! The over-ear headphones are in no way inferior and blast every attacker off the pitch with fat beats and bloodcurdling sounds. Or loosely based on Gandalf the Grey: "You shall not pass!" [[productlist:5621281]]
Right centre-back: "The Wardrobe"
Measures a whopping 195 centimetres and is simply insurmountable: Even the most sophisticated passing game won't help, tiki-taka my ar***! He's also rock solid and firmly anchored. Perhaps you remember the first section of this article? It's almost impossible to tell whether I'm talking about the cold, motionless product or the sensitive, human being. [[productlist:376161]]
Left full-back: "The winger"
Fast as the wind, he sprints past you - unfortunately, not so quietly. No, rather loud and unmistakable, like a snorting horse just before the last supper. In addition to the outstanding speed, the inner values are also from another planet: endless storage space so that every brilliant flank, every rush and every dribble can be carefully archived and saved for posterity. [[productlist:5630722]]
Right full-back: "The analyst"
This man has an eye for detail - he recognises dangers before they arise and has a solution up his sleeve for every situation, no matter how hopeless. Experts have already reported that there is something very strange going on - his eye is like no other. The whole thing has been described as if you were in the middle of a James Bond film: Terms such as laser eyes, scanner gaze or google glaze were often used. [[productlist:2757798]]
Left midfielder: "The loser"
Yes, unfortunately he does exist, even in the very best teams. His transparent passes look more than just phoned in and can easily be read and intercepted by the opposition. He also has the attention span of a fly, is constantly glued to his smartphone during training sessions and is usually in a completely different mental sphere. The club management can't get rid of him despite daily phone calls. [[productlist:5752101]]
Defensive midfielder: "The Brain"
The centre of power, control centre and master of the stadiums: nothing works without him. He distributes the ball like no other and is simply indispensable as the centrepiece of the entire team. No matter where there's a fire, he's there to help. He ploughs, runs and fights like a bull, both defensively and offensively. A football team actually has 11 players - thanks to him, there are often two or three more. [[productlist:3481527]]
Right midfielder: "The hothead"
Who doesn't know him? The guy who says or does the wrong thing at the wrong time. He provokes and polarises whenever possible. Quick-tempered, easily irritated and in possession of a foul-mouthed vocabulary that is second to none, he is responsible for everything that is not directly related to football matches. Nevertheless, he is always on hand when his own players are knocked down or mistreated by the referee - a real treasure trove of gold. [[productlist:263931]]
Left attacking midfielder: "The Tank"
It's best not to get in his way, because he mows everything down ruthlessly and in an extremely brutal manner. A giant who is usually a little less technically adept than other protagonists on the pitch, but still knows how to inspire. His dangerous attacks directly at the man make the spectators' blood run cold and his opponents freeze in awe. A must-have for every team! [[productlist:5641116]]
Right attacking midfielder: "The Tank Cracker"
The offence personified - attacking football at its best, practised and perfected by the absolute top crack. This genius cracks even the most solid defences with his precise passes, lightning-fast attacks and hard-hitting finishes. Uncompromising, elegant and outstanding are just a few of the attributes that can be used to describe this specialist. [[productlist:5297112]]
Striker: "The enforcer"
Death on two legs: he epitomises the person you want on your team or on the other side of the world. If the ball makes it to him, the end is near and disaster is inevitable. He is too prudent to be fouled, his shots are too precise to be countered and he is too good-looking to be ignored. [[productlist:5745511]]
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When I'm not stuffing my face with sweets, you'll catch me running around in the gym hall. I’m a passionate floorball player and coach. On rainy days, I tinker with my homebuilt PCs, robots or other gadgets. Music is always my trusted companion. I also enjoy tackling hilly terrain on my road bike and criss-crossing the country on my cross-country skis.