Spam mails: A literary appreciation

David Lee

19.6.2019

Translation: machine translated

Pictures: Luca Fontana

The literary value of spam is underestimated. As a trained Germanist, I would like to honour a particularly successful work of this criminally ignored art form.

I receive a free review copy of "Access to your account has been jeopardised. Files on your device may have been corrupted or copied." Such a long title is evidence of a healthy self-confidence, the absence of umlauts already indicates the high literary ambitions. This is avant-garde.

The author prefers to remain anonymous. He or she probably already suspects the great commercial success that his or her work will bring - and the downsides associated with it.

Best regards,

Someone doesn't just say hello, but writes that he (or even she?) says hello. We are already on the meta-level, which is evidence of the high level of reflection of the author (or even the authoress?).

I have bad news for you.

With the change from "you" to "you", the author (gender-neutral) immediately creates a familiarity and cancels out the distance. This may come a little early, but the surprise effect is all the greater and the reader is captivated right from the start.

Apart from that, of course, this first sentence is brilliant; that's how you create suspense! I really want to know what happens next.

28 January 2019 - on this day, I hacked your operating system and gained full access to your account

meine@emailadresse.ch.

So now it's back to you. Just as surprising. We're switching back to the factual, technical level. The original actually contains my real e-mail address; this is a typical stylistic device of the spam genre.

How was it:

There was a security vulnerability in the software of the router you were connected to that day.

So my router was vulnerable to security. Is that a problem?

I hacked this router first and put my malicious code on it. When I entered it on the Internet, my Trojan was installed on your device's operating system. After that, I saved all the data on your hard drive (I have your entire address book, the history of the websites you viewed, all the files, phone numbers and addresses of all your contacts).

The author is obviously satirising the archetypal villain with the deliberately awkward language. Skilful and entertaining. I am thrilled.

I wanted to lock your device. And need a small amount of money for unlocking it.

Now ES is on top form. The constant switching between "you" and "you" is irritating enough. But in combination with the criminal slang, the whole thing becomes really threatening. Although - or perhaps because - the author plays with clichés, which can be easily recognised by the Eastern European sentence structure. So that you can imagine this criminal in such a clichéd way, I'm no longer using a gender-neutral form.

But I looked at the websites you regularly visit and came to the great shock of your favourite resources.

I'm talking about adult websites.

A vague suggestion. The tension is rising.

I want to say - you're a big pervert. You have unbridled imagination!

A brief hesitation before the bombshell. Dramaturgically flawless.

After that, an idea came to mind.

Pure suspense. I wonder what idea he came up with?

I took a screenshot of the intimate website you're having fun on (you know what it's about, right?).

Addressing the reader directly creates an even denser atmosphere. It crackles with tension. No, unfortunately I have no idea what it's all about, but that's what's so unsettling. The unease is palpable.

After that, I photographed your joys (with the camera on your device). It turned out wonderfully, don't hesitate.

This is confusing to the max. Someone is taking my joys. Sounds kind of nice, but it's probably a trap. That's why I hesitate. What might that mean? Why with the camera on my device? I feel like I've been caught out, even if I don't know why. Can joy be a sin?

I am firmly convinced that you don't want to show these pictures to your relatives, friends or colleagues. I think €356 is a very small amount for my silence. Besides, I've spent a lot of time with you!

Now at the latest, I forget the world around me. He knows me. He's interested in me. Every breath you take.

I only accept bitcoins. My BTC wallet: 1DXthf2Wp4qNieKcQkjFrtJLwdue5jcNZj. Don't know how to send the bitcoins? Write "how to send money to BTC wallet" in a search engine. It's easier than sending money to a credit card!

The author first leads me up the garden path by pretending to want to help. And then just like that: "google it yourself if you don't know the simplest things". Although: I actually don't find it that easy to send money to a credit card.

This is solid storytelling. The author plays with our emotions. Now that he's intimidated me, he's making fun of me.

It is obviously the author's goal to confuse the reader in the long term. Why does he state the amount in euros if he only accepts bitcoins? How did he just come up with 356 euros?

I'll give you just over two days (exactly 50 hours) to make the payment.

Don't worry, the timer will start the moment you open this letter. Yes, yes ... it has already started!

Once payment has been received, my viruses and dirty photos will be automatically destroyed.

If I do not receive the specified amount from you, your device will be blocked and all your contacts will receive a photo with your "delights".

These "delights" must be really, really creepy. I guess my reputation precedes me.

I want you to be careful.

Don't try to find and destroy my virus! (All your data is already uploaded to a remote server.)

Do not try to contact me (This is not possible, the sender address was randomly generated.)

Various security services will not help you; formatting a hard drive or destroying a device will not help either, as your data is already on a remote server.

The nasty, cynical tone continues. He wants me to be OK. But it's actually a threat. The author has done a really good job with the character of the villain.

P.S. I guarantee I won't bother you after you pay me, since you're not my only victim. This is a hacker code of honour.

Code of honour - that reminds me of the mafia. A code of honour is something that only criminals know. There are laws for everyone else.

From now on, I recommend that you use good antivirus programmes and update them regularly (several times a day)!

Clearly, after he's given me a real battering, he's now giving me good advice. Old cynic! But well written.

Don't be angry with me, everyone has their own job.

Farewell.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is great poetry. Laconic and yet extraordinary.

Farewell.

David Lee

Senior Editor

David.Lee@digitecgalaxus.ch

My interest in IT and writing landed me in tech journalism early on (2000). I want to know how we can use technology without being used. Outside of the office, I’m a keen musician who makes up for lacking talent with excessive enthusiasm.

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