Opinion
Assassin’s Creed: an ode to bombastic open-world titans
by Debora Pape
Mimimi: Five things that upset me about "Five things..."
9.11.2018
Translation: machine translated
The web is teeming with articles about these five things. At watson.ch, at stern.de and even at digitec.ch and galaxus.de. Why five of all things? And why do I need to know about them? Are the authors trying to manipulate me with clickbait? Or are they just too lazy to try something new?
Today's journalists are inventive when it comes to writing creative articles. When I read titles in the style of "Five things... you need to know", I feel like I'm in the film "Groundhog Day". I can't see it anymore. What's more, these titles suggest that I'm lost without the knowledge.
Or even worse; my life could go off the rails without the great tips that the authors googled in five minutes. Why are you doing this, dear colleagues? Because of the editorial requirements that force you to churn out a certain number of articles per week? Why don't you just do more interviews? They're just as made for lazy hacks as the five things.
1. always the same thing
5 things women don't (want to) know about men's toilets
Why are you bothering your readership with this cheese, if, as mentioned in your title, no woman is interested? Is this how you want to reach your huge androgynous audience? We men already know all this. We've also been familiar with the urinal football goal since the late 90s. I've also seen it photographed several times - and yes, I've also been allowed to pee like a world champion.
I admit that not all of the articles I write are witty. All right, some may be downright underexposed, that doesn't bother me. But what you're doing is starting to get to the bottom of the barrel - you've been pestering me with these five things for months and years. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is annoyed by this.
God, where have we got to? Just because someone has figured out that these five things are psychological aphrodisiacs and work as clickbait, I am now subjected to your mental infantilism in my daily news reading. After cancelling my TV subscription, do I now also have to uninstall the Watson app?
2. the stupid five
5 things to consider if you fancy light blonde hair
Oha, but now. Do they mean by the title what I need to consider if I want to bleach my hair? Or if I fancy the blonde? Why don't you make clear titles, then I don't have to click there. No, I don't feel like bleaching my hair. Thanks, next...
Why is it actually five things? Are three things too few for your editor-in-chief? Why not six things? Are you afraid that today's readers might be overwhelmed? We, the audience, shouldn't be expected to do too much. In this day and age, do you have to do without witty texts so that everyone understands what's going on? It's like the Swiss election documents, where you get an accompanying text that rewrites, dilutes or simply distracts from the actually important legal text.
3.
3. hackneyed
Ahem, okay - after all, here are no things I "need" or "want" to know according to the title. But before I get scolded, I'd better stop writing about it.
However, these five things no longer appeal to the masses. Without variety, life becomes boring. The five things are like a marriage that has become a partnership of convenience after a few years. The same thing day in, day out. In bed, there's the weekly obligatory sex in the usual obligatory position and after five minutes the man is back in front of his PS4 Pro with a beer in his hand. Emotions flow more towards "Red Dead Redemption 2" than towards the woman. Meanwhile, the woman is shopping on Galaxus and is delighted that the Womaniser she ordered will be in the post the next day.
4. quantity before quality
5 things you shouldn't do when working from home
Uiii, capital.de writes very seriously. However, I didn't read anything in their article that I didn't know. Working from home in bed would never occur to me. No, dear executive floor, really not. I do like lying on beanbags or in gaming chairs, but I have to do that for my reviews.
Where's the added value? Why don't you tell me something I didn't know? The editor of capital.de probably assumes that his audience is underexposed. The main thing is to write a lot of text, talk loudly and yet say nothing. Just like the busybodies of this world always like to do. But no, you can't dazzle me, you dazzlers!
Of course, I couldn't do any better. Who can find sensible things that you shouldn't do in your home office and have never heard of? Of course, there's no point in having a sheepdogging session during working hours. That would be really bad. Do you authors actually realise that we readers also have common sense?
5. inappropriate animated GIFs
5 things that greatly affect the effectiveness of your contraception
Finally an important thing that here the Austrian magazine for young women tells its readers. It's just a shame that nothing is written that the gynaecologist hasn't already said. Instead, the minimalist text is polished up with inappropriate animated GIFs. If the text doesn't provide any added value, other means must be used to attract the reader's attention.
The subtitles "Diarrhoea", "Vomiting", "Antibiotics", "Alcohol" and "Irregular intake" are probably not enough in addition to the short text. All right, let's accompany the whole thing with funny moving pictures. Great idea. And thanks to giphy.com, the effort is also minimal.
Bravo, dear colleagues. You've all really got what it takes. <p
Martin Jud
Senior Editor
martin.jud@digitecgalaxus.chI find my muse in everything. When I don’t, I draw inspiration from daydreaming. After all, if you dream, you don’t sleep through life.
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