It's finally that time of year again: Christmas is just around the corner...
18.11.2016
Translation: machine translated
The freezing cold, the mixture of rain and snow on the streets and the biscuits that have been on the shelves of local department stores since the beginning of October make me feel nostalgic. A little anecdote to escape the grey everyday business life and immerse myself in the surreal and fanciful world of Santa Claus.
He's back, he's f***ing back! No, I'm not talking about the Terminator here, nor Barack Obama or even the Gameboy... I'm talking about the fat red man, the best friend of the skinny black man with a fitz, sack and donkey, the woman, child and sometimes man-understander, especially when it comes to any gift-issues, and the prince, king and emperor of intense, escalating and disastrous never-ending stories and evenings with your loved ones... or family. You don't like that? You clearly distance yourself from such festivities or at least try to do so every year? Well then, have fun. However, this automatically entails the exclusion or prohibition of all sweets, alcoholic drinks and other delicacies. There's not much left to do except: Eat my shorts! [[productlist:5629239]]
If you didn't guess Father Christmas in the section above - finally buy something from us - I can't help you any further. But I don't want to. Sent here for a reason: My job is first and foremost to feed you subliminal advertising messages with this inspirational and witty article, while always keeping my composure - finally buy something from us now - and making you believe you're in for peace and joy. Because while you're reading these lines and thinking - finally buy something from us - what kind of rubbish he's making up here, your subconscious is already telling you that it's time to finally buy something from us. This is the very high school of psychology, the art of anti-stress management and mastery of mind control. Uri Geller for president, just sayin'.
But the whole story doesn't end here. I would like to come back to the biscuits I mentioned at the beginning. Admittedly, I am a lover and connoisseur when it comes to chocolate, biscuits and other sweet treats. Almost an icon, not to say luminary, in the field of Christmas biscuits. Of course, by no means in the production, but rather in the downstream consumption processes. I would therefore like to take this opportunity to express my thanks to our mother, Migros, and our arch-enemy, Coop: Thank you for allowing me to stuff my face with Mailänderli, cinnamon stars and Brunslis as early as October. Thank you that the exquisite Christmas chocolate from Lindt&Sprüngli is available two months before the big festive season. Thank you that classics such as "White Christmas" or "Rudolph, The Rednosed Reindeer" will now accompany me every day when I go shopping.
Public television is in no way inferior to the food giants and is doing its article in exemplary fashion: Christmas specials - be it series, films or even news from around the world - are flooding audiovisual playback devices to a terrifying extent. Seriously? Well, the only thing to do is to adapt, go with the flow, sit down on the couch and re-watch all the films you know inside out from start to finish. True to the motto: time is of the essence... or a romantic blackout, a funny zombie attack or the longed-for apocalypse. Where are the damn aliens when you need them? Please, abduct me, here and now... take me with you, wherever you want, and do whatever you want with me. Help, I may not be a star - but get me out of here anyway!
Now we come to the presents: Every year... The same problems: Who do I give a present to without them unfriending me on Facebook straight away? And how do I avoid the shame of faking a smile when giving a gift and finding the supposedly perfect present for a loved one on eBay two days later? Or worse still, you get the non-plus-ultra gift of Christmas 2015 returned to you this year - revenge is a dish best served cold, or something like that. You cower in a dark corner, tearful, completely exhausted, desperate and bereft of ideas and don't know what to do next. But luckily everything has an end (FYI, the sausage even has two): I am proud to present the Useless Box, the truly unique and indeed perfect gift for the upcoming festive season. There are no limits to the recipient, neither in terms of age or gender, nor religion or political orientation. Simply unpack, remove the protective film and nothing stands in the way of countless hours of fun.
Then there's the tiresome discussion about the Christmas tree: should it be a real one? However, all this fun doesn't just cost cash, but also sticky needles lying around the flat, fire insurance for the unwary or nerves of steel if there is a pet among all the Family members, flatmates or unwanted guests. Anyone who has or has had a cat knows exactly what I'm talking about. An artificial fir tree then? But that's not at all in keeping with the Christmas spirit and is probably more for the lazy. No watering, no hours of choosing in the village square at minus 15 degrees, no fresh scents from nature and certainly no "Tjugondag Knut" - better known under the "Christmas tree-throwing-out-the-window-like-in-Ikea-commercials" pseudonym. No matter which side you choose, there's always one question: where do I put it? But that shouldn't be the problem, should it? Come on, a little flexibility is required here.
Contemplative. Yes, contemplative. This adjective comes up a lot during the frosty season. I know, almost impossible to understand. I don't understand what's so contemplative about Christmas? "So calm and relaxing that it's psychologically soothing" says Google. WTF! Relaxing? Psychologically soothing? Don't make me laugh... I don't know about you, but I'm a nervous wreck towards the end of the year, plagued by shopping stress, gift rejection anxiety and things I really wanted to do in 2016. So here we are with the good intentions for next year - no worries, I'm not opening this Pandora's box (yet). Oh, how I'm looking forward to January: The first snow (the 18 degrees on Christmas Eve are long forgotten), the presents have been exchanged or disposed of (socks again, olé), Easter bunnies are replacing Santas in the supermarkets (chocolate rules the world) and I've left all my worries and problems behind in the old year (quote from Santa: "I'll be back!").
With this in mind: Happy holidays!
Raphael Knecht
Senior Editor
raphael.knecht@digitecgalaxus.chWhen I'm not stuffing my face with sweets, you'll catch me running around in the gym hall. I’m a passionate floorball player and coach. On rainy days, I tinker with my homebuilt PCs, robots or other gadgets. Music is always my trusted companion. I also enjoy tackling hilly terrain on my road bike and criss-crossing the country on my cross-country skis.