I watched the Super Bowl trailers so you don't have to
One of the things the Super Bowl is known for is that the cinema highlights of the year get new trailers. Last night, however, was boring. With a few exceptions.
I don't understand football. But cinema does. That's why the Super Bowl is still a must-see event, because the latest best cinema trailers are supposed to be shown there. Except that it was pretty boring this year. A short review of a dying advertising format.
Some statistics to start with: at Super Bowl LIII - taking place for the 53rd time, great - a 30-second commercial clip costs 5.25 million US dollars, or 5.23 million francs. So a clip costs 0.174333... million francs per second.
Avengers: Endgame - The expensive words
"Some people move on. But not us. Not us." That's the entire text of the trailer, which so wonderfully shows nothing at all. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is welding something on a spaceship with Nebula (Karen Gillan) and Captain America (Chris Evans) is tightening a buckle on his shield.
That's seven words in 30 seconds. The advert cost 0.747 million francs per word. So we have nothing to see.
The alternative: the real trailer
Alita: Battle Angel - A shrug of the shoulders in 38 seconds
If you don't want to see anything new, then the Super Bowl trailer for "Alita: Battle Angel" is for you. Because you've already seen the scenes a thousand times in all the other trailers for the film. Except perhaps the fact that Avatar - the Pocahontas-in-space film with blue aliens - is a franchise and has also been given a logo.
The advert cost the makers 6.624 million francs. For some meaningful drivel and threats against the film's title heroine.
Alternative #1: The trailer
One of the x trailers that have already been released for the film offers better entertainment. Although they don't really contain much more information, they are edited a little slower and last longer. So you see more.
Alternative #2: The manga
"Alita: Battle Angel" is actually called "Battle Angel Alita". However, as producer James Cameron jokingly only makes films that begin with the letter T or A, the title had to be adapted accordingly.
The manga series is titled
If Cameron and co. had used the original title of the manga penned by Yukito Kishiro, the film would never have been made, because in the original, the story about our cyborg heroine is called "Gunnm". Apparently a contraction of "Gun" and the Japanese kanji for "dream" (夢), pronounced "Mu" in the context of the title. In nine volumes, Alita fights and loves her way through a broken world. The only difference is that Kishiro thought to himself at the end "Okay, the ending was a bit stupid" and changed it with "Battle Angel Alita: Last Order". There, Alita fights her way through the solar system. It's a lot more fun than the 38-second trailer.
Captain Marvel - The needle in the haystack
"Time to show these boys how we do it. Ready?" says Monica Rambeau (Lashana Lynch).
"Higher and further.
"Higher, further, faster, baby," replies Carol Danvers (Brie Larson).
"Yes, ma'am," says Rambeau.
After that, Carol Danvers fights her way through people in the costume of the superhero Captain Marvel and also in civilian clothes. Samuel L. Jackson laughs. Then: "Try to keep up".
The 20 words in 30 seconds cost Marvel Studios 0.26 million francs per word. Fortunately, you see a bit more of Carol Danvers world in the trailer, Jude Law with contact lenses and action. And thank goodness Carol no longer sounds like a 16-year-old with authority issues, but like a serious fighter.
Alternative #1: The trailer
The main advantage of the full trailer is that you get to see Brie Larson punching an old woman in the face. Something like this already looked good in 2010's "Legion" and is fun here too.
By the way, the old woman is a Skrull, an alien that can change its shape.
Alternative #2: The comics
Captain Marvel is currently very popular at Marvel Comics. Carol Danvers is newly written by Kelly Thompson and drawn by Carmen Carnero. The first issue of the latest series has just been published and shows Carol returning from a multi-year mission in space.
Carol Danvers has appeared in over 3000 comic books in her career, from the Avengers to her own series to guest appearances on Jessica Jones in the series "Alias". There are some good stories among them.
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw - Yes, no, of course
Finally a trailer that's worth watching. The trailer is not for a film, but for a trailer. When did it become fashionable to have trailers for trailers? Be that as it may, "Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw" shows that the franchise can do more than just fast cars and Vin Diesel. In the film, Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson fight their way through world history as villain Idris Elba pursues some evil plan. Who cares? No one, but Idris Elba has superpowers.
By the way, we've gone from DVD player theft to superheroes in the space of 17 years. Complete nonsense, but I'm going to see the film on the first day of release. Guaranteed.
The alternative: the trailer
The one-minute film that aired at the Superbowl for 10.46 million francs is a trailer for a trailer. However, the trailer in question has already been out for a few days.
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark - children's film. Aha.
In this country, we had the "Goosebumps" books by R.L. Stine in the 1990s. Ten years earlier, however, the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark scared the children of the world. Now Guillermo del Toro is turning them into a film.
For children? Yeah, okay. I'd do that to my child, because the books really creeped me out back then. Goosebumps were a joke in comparison.
The alternative: the books
I love the books written by Alvin Schwartz, which are so beautifully and eerily illustrated by Stephen Gammell. The covers in particular still haunt me to this day.
Definitely worth reading. It's only available in English, but it doesn't matter, because it's worth the read.
Toy Story 4 - Off to new shores
After Toy Story 3, the question arises: What's next? And above all: Is there anything else needed? Because the story in the third instalment was tough stuff: Buzz's memory has been erased, the toys have come to terms with the fact that they will die.
Now Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) is going all funny and mean. Somehow that doesn't fit. Because the Toy Story trilogy looks finished. There's no need for a fourth part.
The alternative: the trailer
Also here: The Super Bowl trailer doesn't really show much that's new. Nor is it particularly funny. Much funnier is the trailer that was released a few months ago.
To Infinity and Your Mum.
Us - films without a template? Does that still exist?
The new horror film from the pen of Jordan Peele is called "Us". The filmmakers spent 6.1 million francs on the Super Bowl commercial and every cents was worth it. The film shows a horde of creeps who plague a family. At the end, the Family members wonder who the horrors are. "It's us".
Well, if that's not promising?
The alternative: nothing
Jordan Peele may have proved that the comedian is a master of horror with his debut film "Get Out", but "Us" has no obvious connection to the Oscar winner. Well then, let's try something completely new for once. Let's give it a try.
Wonder Park - What is this now?
Nickelodeon Movies and Paramount have spent 5.23 million francs on a trailer for a trailer that is so generic that it's really no fun at all.
The plot: A property has to be saved from ruin, otherwise all the people and animals will be homeless. We've been there before. We've been there many times before.
Alternative #1: The trailer
If you're really interested, here's the full trailer.
It's been online for two months and hasn't made any waves. Too harmless, too generic, too boring. Hopefully the kids will like it. But maybe they'll enjoy Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark more. Let's hope so.
Alternative #2: East Wind
If you want to see the plot about "Property in danger, girls and animals are the only chance" for the love of God, then watch the first part of the Ostwind film series. It's about a rebel (Hanna Binke) and her horse, who somehow save a stud farm.
At least the landscape shots are pretty.
And otherwise?
The Super Bowl doesn't just live from boring football and recently boring trailers, but also from the adverts. There was plenty for film fans.
Sex and the City meets The Dude
The Belgian brewery Stella Artois had The Dude from The Big Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) meet Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) in its 43-second advert. The cost for the broadcast alone: 7.50 million francs.
Walmart has a car park
Anybody who has ever been to the States knows that Americans like to do everything by car. This includes large, desolate-looking car parks in front of single-storey supermarkets. The Walmart chain chose this location to display the world's most famous film cars. For 10.46 million francs.
Ridley Scott advertises, Turkish Airlines pays
The English cult director Ridley Scott has gone all out for the Turkish airline Turkish Airlines. In a six-minute short film "The Journey" - which would have cost the airline 62.76 million francs to broadcast - actress Sylvia Hoeks chases after a brunette played by Aure Atika. Reason: she has lost a booklet.
What could have been done with "Hey, you've lost your notebook" becomes an agent thriller-like experience. Worth seeing.
But at the Super Bowl itself, only a trailer for the film was shown. Doesn't make the sporting event any more worth seeing.
Conclusion: Much ado about nothing
Apart from Ridley Scott's short film, Scary Stories and Us, the Super Bowl was nothing to write home about. Money was wasted and viewers bored. Trailer after trailer are still stupid and if a company spends x millions to show things that film fans could have seen a few months ago, then nobody should be surprised if Europe goes to sleep.
Of course, that won't happen. See you next year. <p
Journalist. Author. Hacker. A storyteller searching for boundaries, secrets and taboos – putting the world to paper. Not because I can but because I can’t not.