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Avengers: Endgame: Reflection rather than spectacle for the end of an era
by Dominik Bärlocher
Fast & Furious 9 crashes and burns
22.7.2021
Translation: Veronica Bielawski
As a fan of the Fast & Furious series, it’s hard for me to say this: «Fast & Furious 9» is a damp squib. Unfortunately.
Heads up: this movie review has slight spoilers – as in those things that give away the plot. Not the things you find on the back of cars. Okay, it has those, too. But that’s not nearly as bad.
The fact is you’re unlikely to watch the ninth film in a series without having seen the other eight – or nine, if you count «Hobbs and Shaw». But in case you haven’t done so, sit yourself down in front of the screen and indulge yourself. I’ve been a fan of the series since the very first movie, and no matter how dorky the series gets, I’m sticking with it.
«Fast & Furious 9» isn’t a good movie. Mind you, no one expected it to be. But even in the context of just the «Fast Saga», it’s no show stealer. Here’s my review of a movie so bewildering that I watched it twice in the cinema.
Some words of wisdom:
- If you’re not a fan of the series: let it be. No need to watch it.
- If you are a fan of the series: watch the movie twice. The streaming release is good enough.
Or just read this review. That works, too.
The story: fast-paced, absurd, self-consistent
I watched «Fast & Furious 9» on Wednesday. Then I watched it again on Saturday at the Pathé Spreitenbach bed cinema. Pleasant side effect: I never want to watch a movie in a normal movie theatre ever again. Bed cinema for the win! No contest. The extra bit of space, the blanket and the sheer comfort turn the movies into a fancy experience.
It’s only after watching the movie a second time that I realise it actually explains all the inexplicable things I had deemed to be plot holes. Namely:
- Michael Stasiak (Shea Whigham) says he flies the crew, including equipment, everywhere, but is out after that.
- The electromagnet at the bottom of the aircraft is stronger than any electromagnet known thus far.
- Based on the flashbacks we see, the Toretto family consists of Dom, «other son» and «Huh? Daughter? What daughter?»
A physical half of the MacGuffin is in Mr. Nobody’s possession (Kurt Russell) when his plane is shot down by terrorists that were also on board. It’s up to Dom Toretto and his family, which has become quite small, to find and secure the computer hemisphere. Where? Why, in the jungle of a fictional state called Montequinto.
So they fly there, unload a Yamaha YZ450F, a 2020 Dodge Charger Hellcat Widebody and a few other companions and rampage around. Already during the first big action scene, the overarching problem with action scenes in the movie becomes apparent: they just never end. Sure, a car chase is exciting and cool. A shootout is, too. And so are fist fights. Not to mention our beloved main cast, who find themselves blasting through a minefield. It has you on the edge of your seat.
The problem is if you put each of these scenes right after the other and let them go on for what feels like 25 minutes, it gets boring. Even more so because the movie is two and a half hours long. And you know that everyone’s bound to survive the first confrontation with Jakob Toretto (John Cena) in a 2015 Ford Mustang GT 350.
This continues throughout the entire movie. Must Vin Diesel get sudden superpowers, which allow him to demolish at least 15 of the 50 «best men» of a trained private army, throw an entire building on them and then fall into the water? If so, couldn’t it be done in half the time?
The self-aware move
No wonder that, in one of the movie’s best scenes, Roman gets the idea that he’s not a normal human. He speaks openly what the audience has been thinking for at least four films: Toretto’s family is invincible; a crew of superhumans who happen to also drive cars. This idea isn’t even so far-fetched after the spin-off movie «Hobbs and Shaw».
But even Roman’s self-awareness can’t save «Fast & Furious 9» as it stands. The series has become so insane that it’s no longer possible to create an actual physical or virtual threat to the main characters – and with that, suspense. And by also making the action scenes too long and therefore too boring, the movie becomes quite dull and just drags for what feels like an eternity.
But what about the family?
I get you. I also like the aspect of family in the «Fast Saga», as the series is now referred to. There’s a troupe of archetypes, all badass. And they’re as loyal to each other as we were back on the monkey bars in kindergarten. These are simple and silly messages that sound intelligent and important in this context. Namely, the purely fictitious subculture of street racers. Maybe it’s this feeling of closeness that many in the real world are missing?
Philosophising aside, it’s the chemistry between the characters that has made the series what it is – and even made cars literally jumping from skyscraper to skyscraper appear plausible.
After two and a half hours, the cinema speakers blast Skepta and Pop Smoke’s «Lane Switcha», and I fold the blanket on the Pathé bed. The movie is so dumb that I wasn’t even entertained.
A bunch of baloney.
What a shame.
But the cars are pretty.
So there you have it – «Fast & Furious 9». And you better believe I’ll be back in the cinema for part 10!
Journalist. Author. Hacker. A storyteller searching for boundaries, secrets and taboos – putting the world to paper. Not because I can but because I can’t not.
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